whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
