a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
