One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
