you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
