I think I just saw someone hide a body.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
