i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
