Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
