how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
