My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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