Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
