Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
