I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
