she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
