By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
sex in a hospital.. check
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
