She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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