Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
