I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
