I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
