He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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