I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
