You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
