she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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