I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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