I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She bit a glass in half.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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