OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
