I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
