I didn't shave. On purpose
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
it's like iHOP with fire
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
