Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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