Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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