I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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