I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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