WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize