I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
