Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
