I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
