I wish my penis had an off switch
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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