And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
