The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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