Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
