Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she woke up with a sticky ear
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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