I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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