Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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