The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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