Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
