everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
