he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
