I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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