he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
