I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize