I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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