Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
