have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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