How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
im having a threesome with these popsicles
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
