The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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