Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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