Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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