the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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