new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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