i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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