i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
