What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
