Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
