You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize