Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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