I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My feet surprised me
Randomize
