Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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