i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
