I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
