I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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